Deserving

In Italy citizens understand a need for breaks with no explanation while Americans have this need to deserve one. Italians feed their soul for the sake of it and Americans need to show we work harder than you do.

The problem with this is that it contributes to "I am so swamped and constantly busy, I am stressed out more than you and you have no idea. I'm going to drink all Friday night and sleep all day Saturday" and the "I haven't had a cupcake in months, my dieting has been so good, I totally deserve to eat a gallon of ice cream over the weekend"

It's not healthy.

Add to that our relentless fear of others judging us and you've set yourself up for extremes of stress, deprivation, and closet binges. We don't posses balance between working hard to take care of  your responsibilities and occasionally working on something that is just for you.

I met someone at a party recently who asked my name and then asked what I did. Of course, we are all defined first by what we do, not who we are, I scrambled to try and find words to make my job understood. "I'm a mom". Is all I came up with.

"And you ride?"

"Yes"

"That's so amazing you can just do that, I don't have time for anything but work and my kids activities."

And there it was, my self-inflicted kick to the gut. I wanted to sit this woman down and explain to her that by 6 am every single day I am out of bed, weekend or Holiday be damned, and starting laundry. Every day I clean the floors. Do the house cleaning. Fold clothes. Prepare food for 7, up to three times a day, do the dishes, strip the beds, kiss the boo-boos, teach morals to small people, break-up fights. School days can often be harder because the kids have fresh behaviors coming home learned from friends, at least 30 minutes of homework that all need my help right now and can't wait, and by dinner someone will have clogged the toilet. Anyone who has been in charge of all my children for an hour understands the insanity.

Raising kids is incredibly hard. My size family it is a matter of schedule and staying up on tasks on time to get it all done. 6 hour shifts on school days, 14 hour shifts every other day.

I don't sit still often and if I want something like time to work a horse, I work extra hard in other parts of my day to get it done and make it happen,even then it may not work. Entire days go by where I have accomplished dozens of small jobs and chores with nothing at all to show for it but tiredness and maybe a fresh case of poison ivy. "Done" around here is rare and I like it that way.

Still here I stand wishing I had a way to prove to this woman that I had earned my time to ride a horse, since all I did was stay home with the kids. If only social media liked posts like, "got the toothpaste scrubbed off the walls in time to burn dinner, while trying to tell a child the definition of a word for homework, I think another may be stuffing stolen candy wrappers in the air ducts" or "Note came home from school that triggers my fears that I'm not parenting well, help!" No, social media likes happy kids, shiny horses, and funny moments. That's what I'd like to focus on too!

I chose to spend my retirement now, an hour a day that is mine during the school year, guilt-free, on a horse. Am I lucky? Absolutely. Is it handed to me? Hardly. Have I let go of my need to prove it? Apparently not. ;)

Lessons Learned By A Caffeinated Mommy

1) You can't please everybody all the time.

This is huge and I wish I'd learned it years earlier. I can make a meal four kids absolutely love and one will look at it like it's poison. Two kids may be totally up for the adventure I planned and the rest of the family intends to make their misery audible and constant.

If I only cooked what everyone would eat, if we only did "fun things" that everyone enjoyed, we'd probably starve and never leave the house. Exhibit A : my princess loving girly girl had a stage four meltdown as soon as we walked through the Disney gates for the first time.

You can't predict it and you certainly can't control it so stop stressing about it. Do what you can do and know that there is no way you can create total happiness in everyone around you. If it's right for you let the rest roll off your back.

2) Fairness is unrealistic.

Sure we teach the kids that life isn't fair and that there will be many times they won't get the same thing as their sibling, how about in our own minds though. I constantly worry about whether or not I got a good photo of each kid in each situation. If I sit down and snuggle one for 5 minutes, I'm already mentally allotting time to be sure I get in the same amount with the rest. Instead of a happy sigh of the moment, I'm worried if anyone is left out and how I can make it up to who isn't getting me now.

This began in the NICU for me. Holding one small baby while feeling guilty I wasn't holding the other two, with two kids at home. I haven't totally come to terms with this but I have recently been taught a coping skill.

Every day write down five things you are grateful for/ happy about/whatever about each member of the family. Just a few days of this and you begin to LOOK daily for those things about each person that are new and different and fantastic. It smoothes out the constant stress of fairness for me and I know I've really seen them all at the end of each day.

3) Cleanliness is personal.

If your house is clean and it makes you happy, great. If your house is not clean but everyone is functioning just fine. Also great. If having order helps you relax and focus on your kids chaos, do that. If creating the order takes away from your focus on your kids then don't. My house is pretty much always clean because if I saw jobs piling up my stress would spill into other areas as I worried about finding large chunks of time to tackle larger jobs. For me, they are easier to handle when they stay small jobs. Keeping up with it is what works for me and makes me happy. If letting it go and doing it all at once, when you can, if you want, works for you then great. Can we stop comparing already? No one has the state of their home mentioned in their eulogy.

4) It's okay to say 'No'.

If getting the bubbles out means that ten hands need to be cleaned, probably clothes changed, maybe a fight over who spilled the soap and stepped in it, definitely at least one case of soap-in-the-eyes and today that is too much for you, say, "no". You are allowed to say no to things. If one NO in your life prevents you having a stress related meltdown when it all goes south then I'd say the no negative is better than the freak-out.

Kids don't have to help you cook everyday. They don't have to have free access to the markers. If you rolled out of bed in the dark to a wet bed down the hall and a fight already breaking out between kids, maybe today isn't the day for extra stuff and bare minimum is just fine. The days you are up for it, it'll be that much more fun.

5) Do things that feed you.

Make what makes you, you, an important thing. Of course the kids are more important, but remember to teach them (by example) that life isn't about being a martyr and they should work to make time for what feeds their soul too. Let them find it and give them space to want it for themselves. You will come back to them as a better person if you are fulfilled on your own two feet. Same is true of time with your spouse.

You don't have to look back and miss, "that person I used to be, I really liked that person" you can still nurture it or find it again. The enormous responsibility of  having your heart walking around in pieces outside of your body demands a little extra kindness to yourself as often as possible (however brief those moments are). Kids do not need the burden of your entire happiness on their shoulders anyway.

6) How you are means more than words.

I can't say that enough. You can teach and show and do all you want, but ultimately the way YOU are is what your child learns from. And I don't mean, "Daddy treat your daughters kind so they know how a husband should love them." I mean, "Daddy love your daughters and teach them as a parent, showing your daughter what a husband is by how you treat your wife."

Added advice, they also learn by the adults they see on TV. Careful there...

7) Not much is really up to you anyway

I work really hard to raise my kids a certain way, they all see me the same way, heck some of them were born on the same day. Know what? They are completely different. And I don't just mean this one likes bugs and the other is into kittens. No, they are really different. One can't control impulses while another has the patience of a saint. Another notices little things like a flower blooming and a sibling doesn't even remember what you said three seconds ago. Some are careful, some are physical. Straight A's come home as do bad reports.

While I feel pretty good that I'm not raising career criminals, it's honestly a bit of a crapshoot. I try not to worry too much about the falls from grace with the reassuring thought that I'd rather they did it under my guidance instead of as an adult anyway, just check that off the list of lessons learned in their life.

So take a deep breath, check in with yourself from time to time, let them succeed and mess up, and realize that the weight of the world on your shoulders is real, warranted, and lighter than you thought.

Another lesson, floral prints and photos with lambs are a bad combo